The Caffeinated Dramaqueens of the Internet

No, it isn't because one of the most uptown coffee houses rudely turned down a customer's request to pray. It isnt even because the In charge Manager and his waiter need a copy of "Waiter Ethics for Dummies". It's not even because Espresso is ridiculously expensive. Actually, in all seriousness, it's the growing discrimination that has come to light (once again), in the counter response by the self labelled 'liberals' of Pakistan's social media. This discrimination coupled with the stubborn lack of acknowledgment of the extreme intolerance that comes with it, has become a breeding ground for irrational prejudice against Muslims. In their own country.

Liberal thought has never been about intolerance and discrimination, but how do you drill that concept in a people who foolishly equate liberalism to restrictions on religious freedom? And not just any religion- but Islam. There's a word for it in the west; Islamophobia. And something must seriously be wrong with the 'liberals' in our society if they need medication for it.

A lady orders her coffee..sandwich, politely then asks if the waiter can show her a place to pray. In the west, it's a pretty normal request (and not an unusual sight) which has never been blown out of proportion like it's being done in the Pakistani social media.

You have to ask..did the lady just march in with a machete demanding management to throw out all the obscene diners? No? Did she walk in and demand everyone get down for namaz with her or else..? No? So she just wanted to pray 3 rak'at Magrib?! Then why's the Twitterati crying foul?

The most astonishing part is Pakistan is an Islamic Republic, not the Dominican Republic. It's home to a whopping 170 million Muslims. So yes, excuse me if I find the turning down of the woman's request out of the ordinary. In Ramadan. At Iftaar time. And the response to her request, by the fake 'liberals', nothing short of outrageous. There's a growing tide of intolerance being perpetrated by the media and the secular facists behind it. And it's anything but healthy. Forces bent on making sure religion stays strictly confined within masajid and homes in an Islamic country? Ridiculously stupid. It's like asking for trouble, just don't complain of a backlash when the Muslims cant take the harrassment anymore.

Azhar Khan: "It’s a cafe,not a place of worship,if religious rituals were so important to the person protesting,she should have done Iftari at home and then gone out for coffee later.."
Or maybe she was travelling and didn't have time to go home for Iftaar and Magrib? Maybe that's why she was there in the first place, Einstein?!

Saira Habib: "Why must religious rituals be shoved upon people everywhere.Espresso has a right to remain a cafe,it shouldn’t be coerced into becoming a madrassa."
A person REQUESTING to pray = converting the place into a madrassah. That makes as much sense as square wheels. And then they wonder why our society's so intolerant. (And stupid).

Beenish Amjad: "Why can’t they leave us alone,it’s pretty simple,if she wanted to pray she should have opened her fast in a mosque."
So now we can't open our fasts at cafes. Great!! Scrap those 'Ramadan All You Can Eat' billboards now will you?

Ammar: "Next thing mullah-mizaaj will demand is to turn this place into a masjid?" Uh, why?

That's just a fraction of the hateful comments left behind. So doesn't it make sense if a cafe/restaurant is running iftari deals, they should also accomodate customers who want to pray. Right? Customers first? Ethics? I must sound like Captain Obvious for stating something well so.. obvious.

Over the years our so-called liberals have successfully polarized society into; extremist misfits (they're not exactly liberals and they don't fit anywhere else either) and the conservative Muslims (in short, practising Muslims). Why? Because as history is witness for every evil that befalls a nation, there must follow a blame game. So why not blame Pakistan's corrupt, violence riddled history on the 'Islamists' (read: ALL practising Muslims)? Of course because Pakistan has always been ruled by Islamist shariah abiding groups like the PPP, MQM, PMLN etc. right?

64 years of Islamic rule has totally messed up the country. Mullahs like Zardari and his wife (shaheed!) have successfully turned Pakistan into a 'radical' hell-hole (forget the billions they stole and the monarch like heirarchy regime under the facade of democracy they set up). 'Mullah' Altaf (the song bird) is my favorite, he has his own army of 'jihadists' in every corner of Karachi, with more arms than the US Military (and they don't go unused either). 'Mullah' Musharraf was a 'radical' one (of NRO/Jamia Hafsa Massacre/Phos-Bomb fame), because of his military- I mean 'jihadist' background. He loved his guns (and Mr Bush) so much he even declared 'jihad' against his own country! (we're still somehow fighting that war). 'Mullah' Nawaz wasn't quite sure how to rule as an Islamist so he called in the US State Department to help out. He's in the opposition now, unsure how that works too, so just goes with the flow (with some fiery rhetoric every now and then). So yeah blame the Muslims, it's a trend. And it works.

Pakistan Vs. India: Match Made in Heaven

A famous scientist, Mr Gawking, undertook a study to discover the best way to keep a multicultural and racist nation united. His theory was that the religion of Islam kept the people closely tied together, but like all great scientists, he had to validate this claim with proof first. It was the year 2011 and lucky for him, he didn't have to work too hard, for results were right there on television, with a cable subscription fee of $70.00, he had discovered The ICC World Cup 2011! Yes, bigger, better and blacker (Indians were reported to have spent a whopping 2.6 million rupees on black magic to win the cup) than the FIFA world cup! (that's soccer btw).

So yes, who was kicking butts? Pakistan and-
"Wait isn't that in the middle east where the terraists live?" "
"The terraists? "
"Yeah! You know the terrrraists!"
"Uh, no?"
"Yes! The Talibans, dummy!"
"Yes, and I'm marrying Prince Charming next week."
"OMG, you liar!"
"That's right."

Back to cricket! India was there too, but lately Pakistan's been a world favorite for obvious reasons i.e. It's always in the headlines, they're the reason so many newsless news channels are still in business, c'mon you knew that right? RIGHT?
Wait you didn't see the news about the suicide blast at the KESC office yesterday? The officials claimed it was a short circuit problem which got out of control and burned the entire office, but we know it was the damn terrorists! Or wait, what about the 50 people killed last week by the ruling national party? they said it was target killing, but it was on "Terrorism Watch" last night! Or what about the ten people that drowned in the Arabian sea? That was also on "Terrorism Watch" this evening! They say the boat drowned because it was made to carry a load of two passengers max, but we know it was the damn terrorists drilling holes in boats to kill innocent people! Latest! Billary Blington was visiting Islamabad, she tripped and broke her wrist, that's been on the news all morning, Al-Qaeda claimed responsibility for that one. Yep, I saw it on Hoax News, swear! Can't trust these terrorists, they're everywhere! So be it Cable ConFEWS Network, British Broads Corporation, or sadly even Hoax News (They love Muslims, remember!) they all love to report about the Pakistanis.
Back to Cricket!
So there goes Pakistan, blasting (relax) through the tournament.

The ICC World Cup fever had reached a never before witnessed peak, even the CIA Chief Peon Lanetta was watching it, but then that's his job, keeping an eye on those two-faced Pakis! Damn! they beat England! they're our number one ally, gotta report it the POTUS! How dare these Pakis play ball when they should be helping our military kill their own people!?

Whilst, Mr Bamana too had been conquered by the cricket fever!
"I'm betting the entire nation of Iraq on this match, if America loses, we invade them!"
"Mr Bamana,I'm sorry to say but Mr Douche beat you to that, and America isn't even playing!"
"Oh, right, I meant Iran, wait, we're not? Then who are those people playing in blue and white?"
"That's India, sir"
"Oh, good good, this will keep the Pakistanis busy while we carry out our covert operation, "Freedom Pakistan!"
"Meaning no disrespect, but Pakistan is a free country, sir"
"You are not fit to be the chief of CIA, I shall replace you with Billary Blington!"
"SIR! let me keep my job, and I shall make sure you win another term as POTUS!"
"And how do you plan to achieve that?"
"I'll give you Osamana, and Pakistan!"
"You swear?"
"Cross my heart!"
"Good, now you can go tell the First Lady to start looking for a new gown for my new term!"
"Sir, I have inside news Kate Kiddleton will be wearing Vera Wang!"
"Good, now let the game begin! India Vs Pakistan, I'm betting Egypt on this one! teehee"

People world over are tentatively watching the World Cup, expecting one of the Pakistani players to spontaneously blow up and kill everyone. Just kidding. The Indians are scared though, they don't know if they want victory or the entire Pakistani nation uniting as one against them: the Sindhis, the Muhajirs, the Panjabis, the Pakhtoons, the Balochis, and the Kashmiris, it's like...they're all brothers!
While news casters around the globe are confused, they don't know what new tragedy to report, "but these our are number one terrorists!" they say, "how are we suppose to menace the public now, they can't live in peace, they'll die from boredom and we'll lose our viewers, and no one will hate the Muslims!"
Meanwhile, the audiences world over are more confused,  "aren't these the same people who were literally blowing the brains out of each other?" they're asking each other. The sudden change! Impossible! Yes, Possible! What could be the reason for such unity and brotherliness? Hoax News reports its an Islamist conspiracy to blow up the world! ISLAMIST FUNDAMENTALISTS! AHHH!! They've finally united and now they'll blow us all up! But wait, they're waving green and white flags, minus the threatening sword and Arabic words, phew. Nationalistic pride, we can live with that.

And through all this what's the reaction of the Pakistanis regarding the ICC World Cup? Pawned News Pakistan reports-
'Huge gatherings today were witnessed across various masajids, the worshippers were frequently heard chanting slogans such as "Pakistan Zindabaad", "Hindustaan murdabaad",  "Pakistan Jeetayga!" "Death to Amreeka!"'

Now let's take you inside the homes of the Pakistani people;


"Ammi, today's Pakistan's match against New Zealand, wake me up for Fajr prayer!"
"But beta, you never wake up that early"

"Hey guys, let's go pray before the next inning starts, InshaAllah Allaah will grant us victory then!"
"Beta, don't worry, Allaah mian will guide us to victory against India, after all we're Muslims!"

Back to Pawned News, now let's take a short break, to watch our entertainment segment, presenting, Sheela Ki Jeewani, India's number ONE hit!

Of course, it doesn't matter the other side has an estimated population of 160 million Muslims, because they're not proper muslims! They're not? NAH-UH! They emulate the Hindus, become big movie stars and marry the kuffaar hindus and everyone knows you'll only go to heaven if you side with the Amrikans!
"What if you don't?"
"Don't what?"
"You know, side with the 'Amrikans'?"
*bites nails, looks over shoulder*
"Shhh! they'll bomb us in to medieval times, brother!"
"Aren't they already doing that?"
"No, they're only bombing Waziristan, that's okay, it's in Afghanistan"

And Dr Gawking concludes his study with the following:
"As witnessed through the ICC World Cup tournament, and the "Arab Uprising" I shall dispel the previously held notion that Muslims are bonded by Islam, it is not by the religion of Islam that these people unite, but out of fierce nationalistic pride and ego, as witnessed amongst the Pakistani people, and the Egyptian people, the Tunisians and Libyans and the rest of the Muslim world, where masses united under their respective national flags to rebel against dictatorships for better dictators, with the help of dear old Uncle Sam".

For surely, what will we do without ye?

CIA Chief Peon Lanetta immediately called for a small celebration at Dr Gawking's latest study. Amongst the invitees were:
Pony Player
Kemal Ataturk
Ariel Sharon
Prime Minister Nothingyahoo
Pin Abdullah
Busharraf
Former POTUS Douche Sr and Jr
Queen of Englistaan
Cosby Mubarak
Sir Rush Die
and...
the million dollar question is.........WHO will Michelle Banama be wearing tonight?!

Don't forget to catch the celebration live on Hoax News tonight!