Recently ash clouds were witnessed across Australia, resulting in the cancellation of dozens of flights, causing panic amongst travelers. Previously, the cloud was thought to have been created by the eruption of the Puyehue volcano high in the Andes some two weeks ago. However, recent reports released by CIA spokesperson indicate an entirely different story.
"We have information, Al-Qaeda has developed weapons of mass eruption with the help of the local tribesmen from Waziristan. It is yet unclear how they attained such superior scientific knowledge, but we have irrefutable evidence as to their involvement. We have alerted our Pakistani allies and plan to bombard certain terrorist networks suspected of designing WMEs and carrying out the attack."
The Pakistanis are all up in arms with the latest accusation and decided to join in their American allies in seeking out the villainous traitors. However, Pakistan Army General is reported to be suffering from panic attacks.
"The Pakistani Army is in the throngs of agony, we are trying our best, but the Americans want us to bomb all institutes remotely linked to the manufacture of these Weapons of Mass Eruption. The problem is we can't find any institutes to bomb, we don't even have any madrassahs left to bomb, the Americans are so mad they're threatening to bomb us back to the Stone Ages!"
However, the common Pakistani man has grown desensitized to such threats.
"The Americans are too late, KESC has already beaten them to it" retorts Bashir Ahmed, sitting on a chaarpai, angrily fanning himself with a newspaper, a common disgruntled resident of the country's most populous city, Karachi.
A new video was shortly released by Al Qaeda following CIA's accusation. The new Al Qaeda Chief claimed responsibility for the attack and warned of many more to follow. The video received a staggering 2 billion hits in less than an hour, following which American Teen Pop Sensationalist Justin Beiber reportedly fired his manager, while a very disappointed Miley Cyrus went back to smoking pot.
The Taliban however claimed innocence and accused the west of blatantly aligning natural disasters with Islam. The frustrated terrorist pointed out how they have no militant training camps, and have been out of business for years. He also mentioned how the Taliban were now using Call Of Duty; Modern Warfare for combatant training, asking Muslims world wide to donate more PlayStations.
The Obama administration later that evening issued a statement citing disappointment at Pakistan's lack of support concerning the terrorist attack over Australia. Shortly following the statement, several minutes later, an arrest was made in Rawalpindi. A senior Pakistan Army official was arrested due to his links with a banned outfit.
According to sources, the detained brigadier was in contact with the Hizb-ul-Tehrir, an outfit banned for its links to the banned Organization for Refugees and Orphans, which was banned following its ties with the banned Islamic Organization for Welfare of Refugees, which was earlier banned for having ties with Facebook group "Proud To Be A Muslim" which was said to have links to terrorist group Al Qaeda.
While the Pakistani Army officials responsible for carrying out the arrest eagerly await a congratulatory nod from their American counterparts, the latter however were too busy fighting cyber attacks against CIA's official website cia.gov.
The attack had caused the website to go down for two hours, following which a tweet was issued from the hackers. The group claiming responsibility called itself "Lulz". Common cyber lingo derives "Lulz" from "LOL" short for "Laughing Out Loud". However, CIA special code breaking analyst Mr Davids deciphered a hidden message behind the group's usage of "Lulz" as their identity.
"If you read it backwards "Lulz" becomes "Zlul" which can then be rearranged as "Zulu" if you substitute the extra "L" for "U". Now, Zulu is a common language in the African continent, where many people speak the language. Amongst these people are the South Africans, the Sudanese, the Somalians, the Nigerians, the Zambians, the Egyptians, the Libyans...Basically, a lot of Muslims, hence after hours of analysis and code breaking we have concluded "Lulz" = Islamist cyber terrorists. The Army is right now preparing to take off to bomb certain cyber cafes suspected of terrorist activities in connection to the cyber attacks against the CIA website."
The American public cheered Capt. Johnny Davids for his brilliance and quick intelligence, and once again rescuing the nation from terrorists, while Fox News continuously hammered the audiences with breaking headlines;
"Johnny Davids does it again!"
"Muslims now terrorizing cyberspace!"
"Islamists taking down CIA!"
"America under attack!"
"Attack against Freedom and Liberty!"
"Mr Davids; War Hero!"
Meanwhile, President Zardari celebrates his late wife's 58th birthday and accuses opposition leader Nawaz Sharif of "thinking".
Asif Ali Zardari said that the thinking of ‘Molvi’ Nawaz Sharif resulted in the assassination of Benazir Bhutto. “Our first fight is with the thinking of Nawaz Sharif,” he said, adding that "thinking of Nawaz Sharif defeated."
As to who the thinking of Nawaz Sharif "defeated" remains unclear.
The list of Benazir Bhutto's assassins has been growing considerably longer each year courtesy of her grieved and heartbroken husband, President Zardari. The list now includes;
Former President General Musharraf
MQM Party Chief Altaaf Hussain
Al Qaeda Chief Osama Bin Laden (courtesy of Federal Interior Minister Abdul Rehman Malik)
Taliban leader Mullah Omar
PPP member Sheeri Rehman
Opposition leader Imran Khan
Opposition leader Rehman
Bilawal Bhutto
Indian Intelligence Agencies
Mossad
Queen Elizabeth
During televised speech the majority of the public dismissed Zardari's allegations and switched to Geo Sports. Although the few Bhutto loyalists remained affixed to their sets, until Zardari took advantage of the attention and got a little carried away, “...all of my cases were created by Nawaz Sharif!”. By this time, the broadcasting news channel had lost all of its viewers and sponsors had pulled out, resulting in the sudden end to Zardari's speech.
During the entire chaos, India imprisoned five Pakistanis recently freed from the captivity of Somalian pirates. This naturally served as a rude slap across the face of the Pakistani administration who had recently lost a lone best friend to the Indians.
"We are grieved and hurt by China's betrayal." General Kiyani said.
The Chinese Foreign Ministry Spokeswoman believes Pakistan should busy itself with fighting terrorism if it wants to remain best buds with the Chinese. In the meantime China is keen on improving military ties with India, while Indian channels are buzzing with "Cheen-Hind Dosti Zindabaad."
With the death of Bin Laden, Muslims around the world, especially the severely oppressed ones in the United States, were overjoyed with hope of finally seeing the end to prejudice and racism.
One guy caught dancing in front of the White House revealed how miserable he had been following 9/11. "My social life was gone, I had no friends, and everyone called me a terrorist, I even got hit by a snowball while crossing the street once, I was so humiliated."
Another Muslim shared her traumatic experience of how she got "hit by a two-year old with a rubber ducky at a local park while jogging." Tales like these are common amongst the grieved American Muslims, who are unanimously agreed on the betterment of the world with OBL now gone. Yet one leader stands apart from such assertions. An outspoken New Zealand Maori politician has praised Osama bin Laden as a "freedom fighter who stood up for his people."
"We have heard nothing but negative things about him from the Americans, but he fought for the self-determination of his people and for his beliefs," Harawira told Maori-language television on Monday.
These days Mr Harawira is in hiding, scared for his life. Rumor places him somewhere in the mountains Tora Bora.
